It is Sunday and this morning I was sitting on my terrace, after a good half an hour of wandering around in my garden, cleaning and cutting, while the world was still fast asleep and nobody around but the dogs and the early birds. Quite stupid to potter around at such an early hour, but to me this is peace and quiet, time to think. Today I had a flash of insight, a conclusion, crystal clear and not to be discussed: it is imply impossible to be perfect in all the duties we think we have. Please note my words in the sense: we think we have.
I had now two weeks alone at home, well, not really alone, as the old gentlemen dogs are my constant companions, but rather alone. And it was rather quiet in the office as well, this marvelous time of the year, where the place calms down to an almost relaxed atmosphere and people chat and have coffees, interrupted by rare peaks of hectic activity, only then to sink back in a wonderful slow motion, doing things like cleaning offices or finishing archives or simply taking a lunch break of an hour instead of the sandwich taken and eaten in half an hour.
But I did not want to write about work, but about my conclusions I had this morning.
I had been at home alone and my house was during two weeks my home alone. When I hastened home in the evening - one bad point: dogs need company, so no dwindling around after office in town or going straight to the cinemas ( by the way: saw the last Woody Allen and would very much advise to see it - it is a very dark film ...) - no I dashed home, to see the doggies, do some very light homework and re-orientate me in a house which is in constant order.
In the first week I still went out to see friends, which was fun and wonderful - and come to the conclusion that it is impossible to see friends all the time, as much as one would like to - old ladies like me need some solitude and quiet and not talking, but lolling around the house on the sofa, without any requirements from Me.
In the second week I simply stayed at home and hang about my garden and the house, cleaned out drawers, made resolutions what will be different next year had some good telephone conversations, wrote letters and tried to clean my desk - all in all, I had a good rest, for a start.
Yesterday, or better today at 2 am, the children came back - I must admit, that I was missing them a lot one one side, on the other side, I liked my house with the clean and well arranged bathroom, the neat towels arranged on their shelf, soaps not floating in water and discomposing consequently, almost no washing to do and especially the kitchen being pristine, as a yogurt and apple doe not require extensive cooking. No garbage bulging around, no empty milk cartons, and no leftovers in the TV room, staying as neat as it was when I left for the office in the morning.
Don't get me wrong, I am not a cleaning freak, but I NEED almost physically to have beautiful surroundings and I stubbornly try to fight against the slow lowering of standards of beauty and calm in my environment. Of course I love my children to bits, I think I have made that very clear. Now as they are back, I am more than happy and will take on other duties - like cooking, chatting, ironing and schlepping tons of food home, trying to install some order in the creative chaos and make them do their bit as well, as nobody lives alone in this world and we all need to learn how to adapt to others in the best way for both parties. But the musing is: If I have to cook, I cannot do the gardening as good and intensive as I would like. If I have the dogs at home, I cannot go and socialise as easy as I would like to. If I have washing and ironing to do for 5 people, there is little space for arranging "objets d'art" and sewing curtains. If I work full time, there is no time for writing and saying something which could be of interest for you, my dear readers. If I watch a film with the children, I cannot cook a perfect meal - fortunately Popcorn has recently been recognized as a healthy sack... And so on and on.
Anyway, you get the point. It seems to be a life of choices, as usual. One cannot have the cake and eat it too, as some clever people said. And my friend Caroline gave me the best advice ever a couple of years ago, to keep sane and not starting to cry about the fact that you cannot manage to make homemade ketchup and have a party and have completely well trained children and perfect dogs and be a Megasuperstar at the office and find the money to be always best dressed, made up and elegant and take care of your friends and find time for love and also time for doing Pilates and time for singing and and and- it is simply not possible. Caroline's word ring in my ears: Pick your battles. And another clever thing Martin Seligman said: Let the good take care of the bad.
To hell with the washing and ironing, I will spend the day today with the children sitting in the garden ( which I cleaned yesterday, alone in utter bliss and it looks like a salon - for two days at least) and hearing what they have to tell me, making plans and talking about life and all of it. Just hoping that the washing and ironing of 4 childrens' 2 weeks in holidays will go away miraculously of its own. Tomorrow is Monday and the office needs me - and what was it, that Camus said: We have to imagine Sisyphos a happy man.
Now that IS some consolation.
